Well, I can say that my life here is quite a sad story.
I've always said: "UTP is a good place for study, but not a very happy place to live in."
Since the beginning of the semester I've met with all kind of problems, and the major one: problem finding group for assignment or project.
I've undergo the same situation for 3 times continuously, that is, nobody is available for me to team up with.
It's very sad to think that we have more actually than 100 students in our class, and I know at least 60% of them, but yet there is no group that I can even squeeze in.
I've stopped complaining about it a long time ago, since it happened so often and I'm already numb of being depressed by not having a group of my own.
I always wonder, am I the only person here that's having this kind of problem?
I don't see other people face difficulties in finding group, or even friends.
The question "why people don't like me?" always pop-up in my mind from time to time, but I still can't find the answer after 3 semesters being here.
I guessed people don't like the way I act, or the way I speak, or maybe it's something else, I don't know.
But as far as I'm concerned, I've been very nice and generous to everyone here, especially my batch people, and I've spent more time and effort on them compared to other people.
I just hope that I can get some answers, at least know why I've been treated like this.
It is the start of the mid-semester break, and I'm stuck here alone while all the others got something planned out during the holidays.I guessed it can't be help then, since I'm always so transparent between them, and I doubt they even remember that I exist.
People say I've been isolating myself, well, I guess I am now, but not before they isolated me first.
Now I very much do things on my own, especially during meals.
I can count within both hands the times I've eaten together with other people since the beginning of the semester.
My juniors often asked me why I always eat alone.
Well, I guess I enjoy being alone, or more accurately, I'm used to be alone.
I now understand a little bit why some people isolated themselves from the world.
When you give out so much and receive nothing, you would rather keep everything to yourself.
Throughout all these years I've been working hard to socialize with people, joining activities and so on, all because of one purpose: to prove my existence.
I've grew stronger over these years, maybe not much, but at least tougher.
Tears is much harder to drop now compared to 2 years back then.
I've learned to endure the pain of being alone, and surprisingly, I'm already used to it.
I don't know whether it's good or bad, but I guess that's me in present state.
Some people say I'm very emotional, and I never deny it.
I'm an emotional person, who tried hard to control my emotions over time, but always failed.
Well, I guess the environment has a big factor on it.
I just called back home this evening after so long the time, and was so glad to hear my Mum and Dad's voices.
I found myself trembled with joy while talking to them, then I realized I've missed home so much.
When a person is caught up with storm at a foreign land, the place he'll think most is home.
Well, I guess it applies on me too.
For a person in my situation, home will be the warmest place to be, because your family will never fails you or leaves you.
How I wished that I'm home now, rather than staying in this unhappy place.
I guessed this is all I can say now.
I'm tired of being mad at everyone else for not befriend with me.
If it's fate that I will spend the few years here alone, then let it be so.
However, I can't say that I don't have any friends here at all.
There are people here who cares for me, and I really appreciate that.
To all my friends, I thank you, and I still want to be friends with you.
So, please don't leave me alone, even though we are not in the same course, even though we won't meet everyday, but please, at least remember that I exist.
For those who don't find it in your heart to befriend with me, please, there's no need to pity me.
All I want is some caring and sincerity, not a shed of pity.
That's all from me, a guy who's in his 20th year on Earth.
May God bless me and my friends for the years to come, and by God's will, I can graduate from here.
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12 comments:
i think even u hv tried to b more sociable, perhaps ur characteristic nvr change...sumtimes, d way u talk is too harsh. nvr work 2gether v u b4 bt did hear rumors working v u..join d same act v u n found tat u r quite nice act, however sumtimes i jt cant stand ur character..i think u ever regret wat u have spoken out, bt there is no chance for u take bk those words..may b u hav to cool urself dwn 1st when u meet v a prob, then oni discuss among frens..never giv up on finding frens, they will oweys there...perhaps u haven notice..gambate~
cheer up dude!~ next time come have breakfast, lunch and dinner with me aight?
everytime after class tried to search for u but *poof* u vanished in thin air!
next time take the iniative to sit with me or at least nearer to me so that i can see u ma... then we can walk together wat...
dun always go back room... lets go study at irc...
and yea raymond i couldn't agree less on the previous comment... u know wat i'm talking about.. just like wat we've encountered about the IMSE book... remember?
but i'm cool about that bro....
anyway
u really gotta stop isolating urself bro.... participate and speak up.. i ain't gonna bite u!
if u need anything i'm just one phone call away aight?
take care pal.
guess u should have gone back home. yea i agree that home is the warmest place we could be :)
enjoying every moment of it before i get back to utp !!! arghhh....
well i think, some people just cannot
stand the way u act...do u realize sometimes u talk like u wanna cari gaduh dis..stop blaming people and improve urself 1st..
dun be angry lah..just my point of view...i accept the way u r bcoz this
is the raymond i know..but some people jz cannot accept it i guess..
anyway if u need help jz give me a call..im more than willing to help u if i can..
Well raymond, looking through your blog just make me feel a bit sad and disappointed with you dude. I have been looking through your blog so far but what i read through is always about this isolating thing. I think you just get into the wrong group, but getting into the wrong group doesn't mean you can't get a friends or what. Friends are always there, but you should change sometimes, not asking you to change totally but sometimes when you're dealing with different kinds of ppl, should always be careful on your language and stuff, characther wise and things.
You are a good guy, is just that the way you conveying your message to someone else just make ppl piss off with you. I didn't know you for long but at least I know you for quite sometime already, you're kind but being kind doesn't means being good. If you want people to feel your kindness, try put in a bit of effort, try change the way you talk to ppl, mayb it helps, mayb ppl will learn that you're just trying to help. Things change over the years, i bet if you stop complaining and stuff you will actually live your life happier in utp. I am sure that home is the warmest place on earth, why don't you just go back and rest for awhile for your mid semester. Being alone will only cause much pain and make you feel even more lonely.
found yr blog.. hehe.. don know u know me or not.. anyway, check out mine. :) www.cwansin.blogspot.com
Linked u..
raymond, i seriously want u to have this negative mindset off now at this very moment. It wouldn't do if u start isolating yourself even though things seem as if ppl are isolating you. Be courageous! Stand up firm and strong. Prove urself better than wat ppl thought of u. Push urself upfront...it ain't gonna be easy, but at least the effort is there. You mustn't give up! One day, u will be able to make ppl see of wat u have been doing. Trust me, and accept this as a challenge. Don't think too much of wat ppl thought of u. U must possess a positive mind first, and let go of the 'isolating thingy'. God is there for u. I can't say much but only God bless u and all the best.
I cant help but think that all da people who have commented gave u really good advices. Seriously, don't always complained that we do not mingle with you. Perhaps you should mingle with us first. Remember when we first started our sem? You were around pretty much of the time, then you started to drop out. You didnt mix around with us anymore, and it does seem to me you are angry half of the time. We are always around for you, but you cant seem to expect us to go to you, get what I mean? The group is always there, you just have to join us. That's all. We ARE your friends.
Hello. This post is likeable, and your blog is very interesting, congratulations :-). I will add in my blogroll =). If possible gives a last there on my blog, it is about the Servidor, I hope you enjoy. The address is http://servidor-brasil.blogspot.com. A hug.
http://www.wikihow.com/Get-Over-Being-Left-Out
Cheer up dude,you are not alone.Most international students are like that.There is another guy is also like you.I added a really interesting piece of news.His blog is :
http://strandedguy.blogspot.com/
heh, thanx for da comment to da open letter, but imo, i am not suit for the term "human" especially to the typical people's point of view. i have quite a different way of viewing things.
dont bother about u see urself as being alone, get the hang with it - it makes u stronger than others - be proud of it. humans are born alone, and will die alone. along our journey in this world, you learn to get to know people, and befriending them. but, but, but, nothing is forever. it will end. and those who are used to be alone tend to be much stronger coping with loss - something which you'll face a lot once u move forward in life.
i am one of those people who have problem mixing around too. like you, i prefer being alone - as it tend to be - i get certain things done faster without being bounded to trying to satisfy other people. lunch/dinner alone, i save time from being too long taking the meal. and i can use the time for something else more useful :D. my point here, learn to accept urself, learn ur weaknesses, and make that weaknesses as ur strength. nobody perfect, some are better in one side, another are better in another. coincidentally, ure weak with mixing with people, but u might have some strength besides that, which is way better than other people. find that strength, and nurture it.
friends are hard to find. its a fact. but, there are always comrades where ever u are. find people who share ur passion, people who share similar goals. humans are more comfortable with people who are similar to them, and that applies to you too. you are not comfortable with ur batch?, so what?, its not your fault being that, accept it, and move forward. I myself have very few people which i consider as friends, the rest are comrades.
soon or later in your future, you might come to a point of life where everybody around you are strangers - most probably in your career life. People who are too used of having many friends around them, might unable to cope with that and broke down or cope with it late. but you, you might be able to cope it faster, and proceed faster because you are used to it.
thanks to UTPchat i got to find a lot of comrades through the open communication channel it provides. thus the reason i am fighting to save UTPchat. it helps people like us, who have problem mixing with people who can't accept us as ourselves because of our differences to find comrades and better purpose in life. i know lots of people in my batch thinks me as anti-social, but once they see me around people who are similar with me, their perception changed. I believe you might be similar too. find a way to reach people who you can mix with. and mix with them.
play your cards well. being a loner is not a weakness. people doesnt approach you not because they hate you, it might have been because you are different than them and they feel uncomfortable with it. accept that, nothing wrong with that. make them understand you or find people who understand you. sooner or later they'll accept you.
change yourself if you think that the best thing to do. but for me, i choose not to change myself much. as i believe that is me, my identity. I want people to accept me as i am, rather than someone who i am not. if they are unable to accept me, so be it. I would rather choose to change the world rather than going along with it.
and hey.. looking at the number of comments you have to this blog post, it looks like you already have people who might be willing to approach you. so, approach them.. so, cheer up :P
remember me? =) dai kar che here.
I see that you have quite a number of friends here who care for you =) And do take their advices and start reflecting if it is really the truth. I am far away n I can't see how are you like now. So they are the ones who are able to give the best advices.
Don forget I was the one getting isolated too in taiwan at 1st because I was "too friendly" and when the big conflict arises.
I never forget that time you told me you believe me and I gave you a hug cos I really really aprreciate that thought of yours.
So now, if you need any help, give me a shout ( do u have my email?). If I could, I would help you out in everyway I can okie?
Cheer up. I hope you feel better soon. You are not alone.
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