I'm just a nobody...

I feel like going nuts here...
Undeniable, UTP is a good place to study, but not a very happy place to live in.
My life had been quite messy during my secondary school time, and it was pretty screwed up since I made the decision to further my study here as a engineering student.

I've been here for three semesters, and I feel no less miserable.
During my Foundation year, it was still understandable that my female coursemates don't mix very much with me, who was the only Chemical Engineering Chinese guy that time.
Stepping into my 1st year of engineering this semester, I was looking forward for more non-Malay guys to accompany me.
But my hope immediately crushed, as those guys took even that little attention of me away with them.
I'm now just a nobody among my coursemates, and I doubt they'll even remember me if someone from outside asked them who's with them in the same class.

It's not that I purposely want to make a fuss about it, but I seriously doubt that I can finish my 4 years here in this kind of condition.
I felt a little bit more transparent everyday here in the campus.
Many people might think that I'm isolating myself, but actually I'm not..
How I wish that I have a group of my own, like many others else, eat and study together.
It's very ironic that many people are facing problem with peer group pressure and I don't have any, as there isn't even one group that I truly belongs to.
I know it's a lie if I say I have no friends here in UTP.
I did have some good friends, but then they have their own groups of friends, which I'm not a part of them.
Often when I tried to think of my future here as an engineering student, I saw nothing but dark and empty space.
I can't imagine the years to come, when the study will get tougher and tougher, and people like me will definitely fail without a group to study together.
That's pathetic...

I don't know why God put me in this place.
People are wearing mask every now and then, when they 'socialize' with other people.
I am also wearing a mask of my own, just that my mask is too horrible, that most people won't even care to look at it.
Seriously speaking, if I'm not a Christian, and if it's not for my family whom I loved with all my heart, suicide will be a very favorable thing for me.
I've thought of it too often, until I am so terrified that I might one day walk on that sinful path straight to the burning Hell.
May God find pity in me, and strengthen my heart against this kind of thought.

Sometimes I think I will rather live in my grandfather and my father's year, when people worked for only one purpose, that's to survive.
It might be hard, but then at least I won't have these much conflicts, these much battles within myself.
I felt so weary right now, and my soul longed to soar above the sky, away from all my loneliness and pain.
I only pray God for one thing now, either to show me a path to follow before my hope runs out, or take me into His kingdom, where I no more need to face the world.
I know my prayer is selfish, but that's the only thing I know, and the only thing I can do now...
May God bless me and my years to come.